I haven’t been writing a whole lot lately. I have replaced writing with reading, praying, and hoping things begin to fall into place for my precisely laid out plan for my future. I needed to take some time to fix myself. A good friend told … Continue reading What The Future Holds
We, as humans, are not perfect. We are quite the opposite. Unfortunately for us, everyone expects perfection. Even if you think you don’t, you do. People expect level-headed, rational, perfectly shaped, and proper individuals. People expect you not to throw a temper-tantrum, or have cellulite, or be … Continue reading Imperfections
I tend to worry about tomorrow rather than today. I worry about a tomorrow that is never promised and about things I can’t control.
I realize my actions can be over dramatic and irrational.
I realize I take a lot of my anger out on other people.
I realize it is not healthy for my heart or my relationships.
I realize I bottle things in so long that it irrupts, and I end up regretting my actions.
I realize it is getting better, but I still have setbacks.
I realize the people who know this about me forgive me.
It’s difficult to deal with anxiety. I understand that to the fullest extent. It can be embarrassing to reach out and ask for help. But it is worse not dealing with it at all, and letting your actions affect your life and the ones you love.
Take action for yourself. Worry about today, not tomorrow.
As I am finally recovered from a couple blows to my confidence and self-esteem I am enjoying being by myself. I enjoy it more now than I ever have. I think it’s because I know I’m not really by myself. Although I spend a lot of … Continue reading There’s an App for That
From the moment I met you I knew it would be an impossible journey. A journey I was determined to finish even if all the time wasn’t worth it. I regret that decision now, over a year later and countless hours of me trying and you dragging me along in the dirt like an old toy you only played with when you got bored with the others.
You made me think you cared. You made me think after all the time spent, it would’ve been worth it. You made me seem crazy. You had a way of turning everything negative you ever did into me being a negative person. You turned me into someone even I didn’t like. You blamed me for all of these things, but now I blame you.
I lost a part of myself that I desperately want back.
You manipulated me, you took advantage of me and my feelings for you. You said all of the right things even when I knew it wasn’t true. I forgave you over, and over, and over when I knew the things you did were truly unforgivable.
You ran at the first sign of commitment. You ran when I needed you the most. You ran at the only time I ever asked you to stay. And when you realized I was running, you slowly, methodically strung me back in. You were never there for me when I needed you at all. You were only there for yourself.
You often used the excuse of “not in a relationship” which fuels my fire. My fire to explain that you were only using me with no good intentions at all. That you only used me for convenience, not because you actually believed in me or believed that this would ever work. But in your manipulative way made me think that it would end the way I always wanted it to because the answer was never “no” when I asked, and that was good enough. Apart of this is my fault, sure, for falling into your lethal trap over and over. But you led me down this seemingly never-ending, tear-jerking, heart breaking path that, in the end, I wish I never even started.
My brain goes is circles sometimes. Reliving the worst times, never remembering the happy ones. And there are plenty of bad things to remember. Things that no one knows, and maybe you don’t even know that I know. People would deem me insane for evening caring about you at all.
That’s just the thing though, caring. I’m not sure what that really means anymore in reference to you. I’m trying to stop caring. To stop having any sort of reaction when I simply hear your name. I continue to struggle to run away and not look back. I don’t want to look back into a time in my life that I regret so much.
People are often scared of regret. They say there’s no such thing because everything must happen for a reason. That I have found to be untrue, and that is because of you.
Now I must thank you…
I have taken this as a lesson. A lesson that when I think about it, it gives me chest pain and anxiety. But it’s an experience I never want to relive and that is a promise I have made to myself.
You have shown me exactly what not to do. You brought out a side of myself that I didn’t know existed. A side I never want to see again. You have taught me lessons I will take with me for a lifetime.
I am an ultimately a stronger person because of you.
And one day I hope you understand that it’s not always all about you. You have left destruction in your wake that I have had to clean up. A wake so big I constantly think about it.
That is not something you do for someone you “care” about no matter the circumstances.
I don’t wish you well and I don’t wish you pain. I only wish you the things you deserve in life.
I’ve been keeping my feet under me lately. I’ve been working hard, keeping a level head, and going with the always tedious flow. Getting to this point is usually the easy part, but staying here can be difficult for me. I went rollerblading recently and I … Continue reading Quitter
Some people are just not worth feeling sad over. The ones who run when you ask them to stay. The ones who are never truly there for you. The ones who, despite all the effort, can toss you away like you mean nothing. People show their … Continue reading Stand Up For Yourself