As I publish my 50th post I contemplate all that you know about me. I contemplate what I know about myself, what I have expressed to you, and how to continue expressing it. The whole point of this is to show myself that it is … Continue reading 50th Post
Still hanging in there? All you ex-athletes who are trying to become something greater. Those who are trying to achieve more after sport. Those essentially starting from the bottom of something totally and completely new. Recently I have realized that my peak age was not … Continue reading Identity Crisis? Part II
“First of all, people are much more unhappy than one thinks…and there is no such thing as a grown up. Everyone is destined to experience not only the exhilaration of life, but also its inevitable darkness: disillusionment, aging, illness, isolation, loss, meaninglessness, painful choices, and … Continue reading Tragic but Realistic
I haven’t been writing a whole lot lately. I have replaced writing with reading, praying, and hoping things begin to fall into place for my precisely laid out plan for my future. I needed to take some time to fix myself. A good friend told … Continue reading What The Future Holds
From the moment I met you I knew it would be an impossible journey. A journey I was determined to finish even if all the time wasn’t worth it. I regret that decision now, two years later and countless hours of me trying and you dragging me along in the dirt like an old toy you only played with when you got bored with the others.
You made me think you cared. You made me think after all the time spent, it would’ve been worth it. You made me seem crazy. You had a way of turning everything negative you ever did into me being a negative person. You turned me into someone even I didn’t like. You blamed me for all of these things, but now I blame you. Sure, I have made mistakes. Too many mistakes to count, and I apologize for those. I realize now that I was not overreacting. It was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullshit.
I lost a part of myself that I desperately want back.
You manipulated me, you took advantage of me and my feelings for you. You said all of the right things even when I knew it wasn’t true. I forgave you over, and over, and over when I knew the things you did were truly unforgivable.
You ran at the first sign of commitment. You ran when I needed you the most. You ran at the only time I ever asked you to stay. And when you realized I was running, you slowly, methodically strung me back in. You didn’t want to be with me, but you were scared that I would no longer be available when you got bored or lonely. You were only there for yourself.
You often used the excuse of “not in a relationship” which fuels my fire. My fire to explain that you were only using me with no good intentions at all. In your manipulative way you made me think that it would end the way I always wanted it to because the answer was never “no” when I asked, and that was good enough. Apart of this is my fault, for falling into your lethal trap over and over. But you led me down this seemingly never-ending, tear-jerking, heart breaking path, that in the end, I wish I never even started.
My brain goes is circles sometimes. Reliving the worst times, never remembering the happy ones. People would deem me insane for even caring about you at all.
That’s just the thing though, caring. I’m not sure what that really means anymore in reference to you. I’m trying to stop caring. To stop having any sort of reaction when I simply hear your name. I continue to struggle to run away and not look back. I don’t want to look back into a time in my life that I regret so much.
People are often scared of regret. They say there’s no such thing because everything must happen for a reason and it molds you into the person you are today. That may be true, but I regret the time I spent on you.
I have taken this as a lesson. A lesson that when I think about it, it gives me chest pain and anxiety. But it’s an experience I never want to relive and that is a promise I have made to myself.
You have shown me exactly what not to do. You brought out a side of myself that I didn’t know existed. A side I never want to see again. You have taught me lessons I will take with me for a lifetime.
I have to forgive to forget.
I have to forgive to finally move on. I have to forgive myself for continuing to return and believing your lies. I have to forgive you to make room for someone so much better. There’s an allotted amount of space in my heart to love someone and you have taken up that space for far too long. I forgive you.
I am ultimately a stronger person because of you.
One day I hope you understand that it’s not always all about you. You have left destruction in your wake that I have had to clean up. A wake so big I constantly think about it. I know now that I can fall down in whatever I do, and I’ll be able to get back up.
I don’t wish you well and I don’t wish you pain. I only wish you the things you deserve in life.
Some people are just not worth feeling sad over. The ones who run when you ask them to stay. The ones who are never truly there for you. The ones who, despite all the effort, can toss you away like you mean nothing. People show their … Continue reading Stand Up For Yourself
Sitting in my small square office, with a sliding glass door, three computer monitors, a picture of a window looking out onto the ocean (because I don’t have a real window), a plain white shelf, a shit ton of recording equipment, and my rolly chair. I … Continue reading How Did I Get Here?