‘Dropped the ball’ is the understatement of the century. I couldn’t bring myself to watch Nassar’s sentencing hearing this week (until the actual sentencing). I watched the first 4 days cringing and holding back tears while young ladies face the monster who sexually abused them. … Continue reading How did this happen?
Wow! I am writing this a year after I attended the Women’s March in Atlanta on January 21, 2017 Let Us March. A day that changed my outlook and changed my life. As the year progressed I have tried to narrow down my options to one issue to spend my time and money on. The issue that means the most to me. I quickly found out that not only do they all mean a lot to me, but they are all under attack. This administration is making America white again, and that pisses me off. Women, minorities, education, environment, land, voting, Planned Parenthood, and others are in serious jeopardy. I have spent time and money on educating myself and helping different organizations fight for everything I believe in. And although I do not have a lot of money to spend, I am fully aware it is better spent on something I believe in than materialistic shit.
I will do more.
I vow that this year I will be better and I will work harder. For myself and for everyone else. Education is vital in understanding what is happening and what is at risk. I whole-heartedly believe this is a time in our nation that women will look back on and be proud.
We work hard. We speak out. We don’t give a damn what people think.
I am so proud to be here, in this time, fighting for equal pay, equal rights, and equal opportunity. Women are the future, and you’re either with us or against us.
We will win.
“First of all, people are much more unhappy than one thinks…and there is no such thing as a grown up. Everyone is destined to experience not only the exhilaration of life, but also its inevitable darkness: disillusionment, aging, illness, isolation, loss, meaninglessness, painful choices, and … Continue reading Tragic but Realistic
I haven’t been writing a whole lot lately. I have replaced writing with reading, praying, and hoping things begin to fall into place for my precisely laid out plan for my future. I needed to take some time to fix myself. A good friend told … Continue reading What The Future Holds
We, as humans, are not perfect. We are quite the opposite. Unfortunately for us, everyone expects perfection. Even if you think you don’t, you do. People expect level-headed, rational, perfectly shaped, and proper individuals. People expect you not to throw a temper-tantrum, or have cellulite, or be … Continue reading Imperfections
As I am finally recovered from a couple blows to my confidence and self-esteem I am enjoying being by myself. I enjoy it more now than I ever have. I think it’s because I know I’m not really by myself. Although I spend a lot of … Continue reading There’s an App for That
From the moment I met you I knew it would be an impossible journey. A journey I was determined to finish even if all the time wasn’t worth it. I regret that decision now, two years later and countless hours of me trying and you dragging me along in the dirt like an old toy you only played with when you got bored with the others.
You made me think you cared. You made me think after all the time spent, it would’ve been worth it. You made me seem crazy. You had a way of turning everything negative you ever did into me being a negative person. You turned me into someone even I didn’t like. You blamed me for all of these things, but now I blame you. Sure, I have made mistakes. Too many mistakes to count, and I apologize for those. I realize now that I was not overreacting. It was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullshit.
I lost a part of myself that I desperately want back.
You manipulated me, you took advantage of me and my feelings for you. You said all of the right things even when I knew it wasn’t true. I forgave you over, and over, and over when I knew the things you did were truly unforgivable.
You ran at the first sign of commitment. You ran when I needed you the most. You ran at the only time I ever asked you to stay. And when you realized I was running, you slowly, methodically strung me back in. You didn’t want to be with me, but you were scared that I would no longer be available when you got bored or lonely. You were only there for yourself.
You often used the excuse of “not in a relationship” which fuels my fire. My fire to explain that you were only using me with no good intentions at all. In your manipulative way you made me think that it would end the way I always wanted it to because the answer was never “no” when I asked, and that was good enough. Apart of this is my fault, for falling into your lethal trap over and over. But you led me down this seemingly never-ending, tear-jerking, heart breaking path, that in the end, I wish I never even started.
My brain goes is circles sometimes. Reliving the worst times, never remembering the happy ones. People would deem me insane for even caring about you at all.
That’s just the thing though, caring. I’m not sure what that really means anymore in reference to you. I’m trying to stop caring. To stop having any sort of reaction when I simply hear your name. I continue to struggle to run away and not look back. I don’t want to look back into a time in my life that I regret so much.
People are often scared of regret. They say there’s no such thing because everything must happen for a reason and it molds you into the person you are today. That may be true, but I regret the time I spent on you.
I have taken this as a lesson. A lesson that when I think about it, it gives me chest pain and anxiety. But it’s an experience I never want to relive and that is a promise I have made to myself.
You have shown me exactly what not to do. You brought out a side of myself that I didn’t know existed. A side I never want to see again. You have taught me lessons I will take with me for a lifetime.
I have to forgive to forget.
I have to forgive to finally move on. I have to forgive myself for continuing to return and believing your lies. I have to forgive you to make room for someone so much better. There’s an allotted amount of space in my heart to love someone and you have taken up that space for far too long. I forgive you.
I am ultimately a stronger person because of you.
One day I hope you understand that it’s not always all about you. You have left destruction in your wake that I have had to clean up. A wake so big I constantly think about it. I know now that I can fall down in whatever I do, and I’ll be able to get back up.
I don’t wish you well and I don’t wish you pain. I only wish you the things you deserve in life.