I’ve been bitching and moaning about my lack of excitement in life. My job is stale, I work too many hours, I’m always broke, and my apartment is small and needs some TLC.
I do understand the concept of “Life sucks then you die” but not sure if I ever really experienced the ‘suck’ part…until recently.
There are things that happen to us that change who we are and how we live. I am finding the ability to change as I type this, while simultaneously fighting the urge to cry.
The month of August has been difficult for several reasons.
- The mass shooting in Dayton hit awfully close to home with a few of my good friends. The pain they felt radiated through the phone – it still does.
- My parents put down our family dog, and that is a heartbreak many people know, understand, and sympathize with.
- My recently ex brother-in-law unexpectedly passed away at the age of 31. Knowing someone who was once on this Earth, that’s no longer here is a concept that is hard to grasp – let alone understand how someone so young could be gone so soon.
I can’t get the words, “Sabrina, he’s dead!” out of my head.
These types of life events change what is good, and normal, and comfortable in life. Suddenly nothing is normal. Your thoughts are a constant battle, your emotions are turbulent, and people do not understand how you deal with the suck part of life.
Most days getting out of bed is hard. Getting through 24 hours without shedding a tear is even harder. Realizing that life goes on, is the most difficult part. People avoid you and don’t know what to say or how to ask, but most of the time silence is best.
Alex and I went out on Saturday to a brewery. Something so basic was exhausting and gut-wrenching – especially for her. She told me the most trivial things set her off. Things like a TV show he will never watch again, and how she will never see his name in her email. It’s sad, she’s not okay, and it fucking sucks. Stop asking how people are doing and try to relate to the pain they inevitably feel from such a massive life-changing event.
Sit there and listen, don’t talk.
Some things that once bothered me, no longer will. Once I can get past the shock of everything listed above, I know there’s hope to transform these events into life lessons I will carry with me. I also know that finding the humor in the sorrow will be the only way to move forward after the pain has subsided.
To change how I perceive some parts of life, is to change my attitude. The sudden death, the shootings, the loss of a beloved animal, in a mere week, put a lot into perspective. I quit coaching gymnastics (sorry Mir). I have always stayed for others, and after witnessing how short life actually is, I needed to quit for myself.
We got a puppy (yikes), but she makes the apartment feel like home. It’s a chaotic place with more animals than humans, but that is comforting.
I decided to pick up my studying to get into school – again.
We have responsibilities as adults, but our main responsibility is to take care of our-self. If life sucks then you die, why are we forcing ourselves to do things we don’t enjoy for much, much longer than we should?
Our days are numbered. Love bigger and better, don’t hold grudges, leave that shitty job when you can, live how you want to live, and let others live how they want to live.
Peace & Love,
~S
Defying Boundaries 